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Let me just start by saying that I am a pretty big comic book fan. What with having a couple thousand comic books in my possession, I have a pretty good handhold on these things. Spider-Man and Batman have always been my favorite superheroes since the early 70′s when I started collecting as a kid. And before I begin to sound biased because I have a distaste of anything labeled Marvel “Ultimate-insert-crap-here”, I really did try to like this game. But for me it just felt like a giant kick to the groin. In fact it’s more like two kicks to the groin between Activision publishing this game and Marvel Comics allowing Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada to take the reigns and let his “creative” staff take 70 years of history, throw it in the shredder and rewrite it. After all, isn’t that why Marvel published the “What-If….” series years ago?

But between my disdain for all things “Ultimate” in the Marvel line-up and being biased of most superhero games, nothing could prepare me for this suck-fest.

The story takes place with the Ultimate Spider-Man story arc, the black goo symbiote that would become Peter Parker’s new spidey suit until Peter rejects it and the symbiote then merges with Eddie Brock to seek revenge on Peter. And this is where the story gets too confusing and convoluted. First, Mary Jane has to sew your butthole shut (yes, I said butthole). You then race Johnny Storm testing your spider swinging abilities for no reason at all. Then you will witness Wolverine get bested by Venom for no reason at all. Then as Spidey, you take on the Rhino for no reason at all. Then Silver Sable shows up. Then Nick Fury and SHIELD show up. Then Beetle frees the Green Goblin and steals a sample of the Sandman. Then….Jesus Christ, the confusion just never ends!!!

You need a good 'ol Spidey spanking you naughty girl!

This suck-fest really kicks in overtime when it comes to control and playability. Now a lot of you know that I have a thing about using keyboards for gaming since I’m a huge retrogaming screwbag and like using gamepads. And in games like this one, the gamepad really is the way to go. But controlling Spidey is a full-time job in and of itself. The controls never respond in any manner that you direct it. First he swings, then he slams into a wall and just falls. You’d think that jumping would be able to incorporate webslinging and wallcrawling. But no, the silly trolls at Treyarch decided that was just too much for Spidey to handle. It goes hand-in-hand with walking and chewing gum I suppose. But Spidey is a superhero. Superheroes CAN walk, run, beat up the bad guys and unwrap chewing gum with their toes all at the same time. Apparently asking for that was just too much of an effort for Treyarch. Spidey had better controlling action in previous games.

There is one minor good point that I can give this gold-plated turd. Treyarch used cel shading, which I can say really added to the effect of a living comic book. The presentation was spot on for recreating that comic book feel. It’s just too bad that artifacts appear on almost every cinematic screen. I have tried this game on three different computers with three different VGA cards and the artifacts appeared the same on each one. Minus the artifacts, the graphics were pretty good and stayed consistent with the Ultimate Spider-Man series artwork.

As you can tell, I hate this game. It ranks up there with having a doctor stick his greasy finger up your backside. No, it’s worse than that. It’s like having your grandmother slip her tongue in your mouth and drop her dentures down your throat. I’m just hoping that someone has played this game on the Gamecube or PS2 and can say something better than what I just did.

And the polished turd award goes to.....

So let’s wrap this crap-cube up:

Graphics: 4.5 Minus the artifacts that appear in some scenes, the graphics are pretty good. Fans of Marvel’s Ultimate universe will appreciate the artwork.

Audio: 4 The voice acting is pretty good and surprisingly better than most of the Spider-Man games in the past.

Control: 1 Just bite me. You read the review.

Fun Factor: 2 I can’t say it wasn’t cool to swing around, but I can’t say that this game is worth the $10.00 I paid for it at a local discount store either. A person can find better things to do like chew on their toenails in front of the TV. Wait, I think I hear the suck police coming. WEEEEEE-EWWWWWW!

Now please excuse me as I go pour bleach in my eyes to get rid of the image burned into my retinas and shoot scrubbing bubbles in my mouth from swearing while Spider-Wad confusingly met his doom every 5 minutes.

GAME OVER – Thank God!

P.S. – And did I mention you can play as Venom in this game too? What? You don’t care? Me neither!

Thanks to all the people who just read this and feel like they just lost 5 minutes of their lives that will never come back. It’s not like all those saved minutes on your cell phone. They’re gone buddy!